I want to be Pam Ayres!
She’s such a funny poet!
Her one-liners are pure brilliance;
I’m funny – I just can’t show it!

She takes a fact of life
And turns it on its head –
She tells a tale – it makes them laugh;
With me they groan instead!

Her intonation is perfection!
The yokel accent bought her fame –
My Black Country tone somehow
Just doesn’t sound the same!

And she really looks after her teeth!
Hers are pearly white!
I try not to smile too much –
It gives the folks a fright!

I want to be Pam Ayres!
Opportunity knocked for her;
She is stinking rich now
And has her own chauffeur!

I have this silly daydream
That some day at ‘spoken word’;
Pam Ayres will be sitting there
And she’ll LOVE what she has heard!

So she’ll ask me to support her
When she’s next on tour,
And from there I’ll start a business –
A poet entrepreneur!

But for now I’ll count my blessings
And won’t make too much fuss
About the fact that I am skint,
And get about by bus!!

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