I Think My Husband Is A Vampire

I think my husband is a vampire

He never goes to bed,

He stays up watching telly;

Films of horror and blood shed.

 

And when he thinks I’m sleeping

I hear the front door creak,

And then he goes on walkabout;

Sometimes for a week…

 

We don’t have any pets now –

They seem to meet a sticky end;

It’s the marks upon their neck

That the vet can’t comprehend…

 

In our shed there is a coffin

He says he’s trying it for size;

In case he comes a cropper –

Should I hypothesize?

 

I think my husband is a vampire

His cheeks are lacking colour;

And he may have lost some weight,

He used to look a little fuller.

 

He says he’s changed his diet

That his taste is more refined –

He now likes a glass of ‘red’

In the evenings to unwind…

 

He was a vegetarian –

Organic and home-grown;

Now he’s demanding steak,

Mostly rare and on the bone…

 

He’s a caring kind of chap though;

The nursing home’s his vice  –

He says helping those old dears,

Is worth a sacrifice (or two!)

 

I think my husband is a vampire

He’s allergic to the sun –

He’s blackened all the windows

And he’s padlocked every one.

 

And i’ve noticed when i’m wearing

My silver crucifix;

He gets very agitated

And develops facial ticks…

 

I think my husband is a vampire,

I think he’s one of the ‘un-dead’

He’s taken all the mirrors down

And flees from garlic bread…

 

If my husband is a vampire

Perhaps I should cut my losses –

Once a ‘would be David Beckham’,

Now he’s terrified of crosses…

 

But I don’t think I could leave,

If we ever were apart –

He said it would feel just like

A stake right through the heart!